And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

     I had another blog years ago and I published my stories.  I thought they were clever.  I sent the link to my father even though I was I unnerved and I thought that he may be very angry.  I was sort of irreverent about Jesus in one of the stories and he’s pretty serious about Jesus.               Dad shouldn’t have even lived.  I don’t know how he’s even here.  He weighed 3 pounds 2 ounces at birth in1942 in the the backwoods of North Carolina.  I recently found out that the doctor told my granddaddy to get the box ready because the boy wouldn’t make it through the night.  He also beat scarlet fever when he was a kid.  The man is a genius but he has trouble with the written English language.  A Jewish doctor lady who he built a house for taught him how to read when he was an adult.  He still can’t spell and it I know it pisses him off because I think he feels very left out in the ...

I wanted be rich, better looking, with bigger tits, and to have a better life than the one I had. I have blasphemed everything I can think of thus far.  I blasphemed the catholic church, I blasphemed all church, and I blasphemed the U.S. government (after ceasing to be frightened of it.) I  blasphemed everything I could think of including the very entity which saved my life.  That's just how I am.  I operate in vacillation between savage defiance and crumbling despair.  I'm always someplace on the spectrum. At  the extremes, we call this the victim/vigilante syndrome. I have determined that I exist in a profane reality and seek to find myself, so to speak.  Let's face it finding oneself can be an arduous process in this rodeo as evidenced by all the self help books flooding the market.  I was told that those are for people who can help themselves in a vacuum and I wasn't one of the...

I'll tell ya something I've found a lot of truth on this internet   The best truth I ever found I got from an old lady. She died but before she did she told me that I could do whatever I wanted to do and that I had freedoms which were denied to her in her youth. Her name was Ann but that she said was not a proper name so they called her Amy.  She said if you are pregnant they have you because you are in effect vulnerable this is the state in which we find ourselves she told me... Now you go and solve WAR... I guess I tend to take myself a little too seriously...

I am ashamed to admit that I have felt something akin to hatred for my Son.  I hated him because my love for him pained me more than anything I have ever experienced. Then again, I may have missed out on another pain or sorrow but I kind of doubt it. I have wondered if fathers were excluded from these feelings but I know in my own case I suspect that my father felt the same way about me when I scared him half to death with my reckless antics. I have willfully demanded answers to questions which may be left best to the mind of god however I was clued in to a directive which stated to attempt to achieve something called present moment awareness. Today I wonder... I guess that when it's said what I feel regret over is that I may have tried to squander my creativity due to the fact that I was ungrateful for the status quo of my life. The honest and shameful truth is that I can no longer function in this reality without a very strong man on my side. There are f...

The Yard Sale Natzie That’s what everyone started calling my Aunt Nancy.  Her yard sales are so epic that the house was notated on google maps because of it.  They are Bartlett’s like the pear.  Her husband has a bunch of brothers and sisters. Rhythm method. They are guilty as charged. One of them happens to be my stepfather.  He’s been really good to me.        My Aunt is something to behold at these yard sales.  She stomps around in a blur and she runs the whole thing.  All the family come from miles around twice a year with their stuff.  They set up a circus and usually they have enough stuff there to overfill a tractor trailer.  I really like watching Nancy.  She cracks the whip.  Any questions, “Ask Nancy.”  She really enjoys it and it is was really a trip being there.        About ten years ago I had a cool mission .  A dear friend of mine was being sw...

I decided to visit Catholic Mass.   My mother was pissed off.   She said, “We don’t want to go to church with you. You're Manic.” I replied, “It’s a public place.” I drove my familiar there. Scarlett. She’s a turbo VW and she has no business in these parts but I coax her.   I was cursing myself to hell the whole way there.   “They can’t keep me out!!!!!!” So I went.  I was a little nervous.  I showed up in a dress cause people treat you better.  At least around here.  Go figure.  I wandered.  I hoped I wouldn't run into my mother and I didn’t.  I spotted some lady who was cool with me so I plopped it down.  She was all good and sweet and compassionate to my plight.  My mission, in other words.   So there I sat, Dazed and Confused. I looked on at the dead savior and wondered just what in the blue fuck I was doing there. Then I decided I had to play along. I got myself into it, after all....